Growing

One question I keep getting asked is, "During these last 3 and a half months, what has this experience taught you? How have you grown?  What things have you learned."  My response is always, SO much! I can't even begin to explain to you.  And I leave it at that to avoid getting really deep and very personal and taking a long time to answer that question.  But I guess I need to blog about it, or "journal" it to get my thoughts cleared out and really answer it for myself on paper, or "print."


Lets start with the first month of the whole thing.  From being traumatized of the actual event and in excruciating pain, feeling alone yet also surrounded by so many people, physical therapy, being completely dependent on others to do things for me, etc.  It is hard, because I want to chronologically write this, but the things I learned all happened in different orders and I can't sort them out correctly so I'm just going to be random here.

Okay, the weird thing about being in the hospital and rehab was that I hardly had time to think.  People were always visiting, and whenever I had a chance to sleep I was out super fast because I was exhausted all the time.  My mind never just wandered in rehab.  So when I came home, and settled down in a routine and actually had time to myself things started coming up.  The actual accident, the whole crash came flashing back along with sleepless nights and tears.  I realized I was suffering from what I've learned about in psychology, Post traumatic stress disorder.  I don't want to get to deep into it, but its real.  I remember everything.  And it is extremely painful and frightening. The sounds, smells, lights flashing, glass flying, my body being tossed.....I never blacked out.  I remember it all.  I wish I didn't.

So dealing with post traumatic stress has been a tough one.  The most important thing I think I have learned about this experience is the power of my mind.  As soon as I was left alone at all in my room, and closed my eyes, I had flashbacks.  I learned to really control my mind.  To sing songs, look at pictures in my phone, anything but actually let my mind shift to the bad thoughts.  I learned that I am in control of my mind.  I can heal myself through positive thoughts.  The whole experience of the accident will always be there, but I can control my mind into never thinking about it.

What is the most hard for me was the transition of being a passenger in cars where ever I needed to go, or went with someone.  Being a passenger, silly as it sounds, was and still is a big challenge.  To drive in a car and not be the one in control gave and still gives me huge anxiety.  Driving is hard because even in a car, where I used to feel safe, in a big truck or little car,  I know for a fact that that feeling is false.  You are in a car and you are not in control no matter what you think.  In any second that car could become out of your control and someone or something can take it away.  Its hard to be paranoid all the time.  I have to trust that the driver I am with is a good driver and is doing all he/she can to get safely to the next destination.  Its hard to trust others driving....its a challenge for me.  I'm always on edge.  Anyways, driving is still a work in progress feeling comfortable again.  I'm getting there slowly though....and I think once I can drive for myself again, and feel comfortable being the driver, it might make things better as well.  We'll see...I'm still on that road to recovery....

Another huge thing I have learned is who is my true friend and who will be there for me at my worst.  Through thick and through thin, who is really going to stand by my side.  With the exception of my family, this has been a huge eye opener. Overall,  the people I thought were going to be there haven't and the people I least expected to be there have.  Once again, the lesson of dealing with being "alone" has challenged me again in my life, and the challenge of being happy alone too.  For days and weeks on end, it was just me.  (Exception of my family.) But the friends, the best friends, the really good friends, that I thought I could count on, yeah they tried, but they are so busy with their lives they still don't have a clue.  Friends at work I thought were close with me, didn't even show up once.  My best friend was absent no communication for 6 weeks.  Things like that, broke my heart because if it were them? I would be there every second I could, and I know that for a fact.  I learned that I need to find friends that are more like me.  It's hard, but I know they are out there.  Family was great, unconditionally always there for me.  I am so grateful for them.  Thank you so much all of you.  Maybe, family is as good as it gets?  I hope I can find a friend that is as good as my family is....

So the lesson from that I think is just dealing with the fact that this is my rough road.  Nobody elses.  I have to get through this, alone. Alone.  Alone is a hard word for me because I love too much.  I want people to love me as much as I love them.  Anyways, before I start another ramble, I'm just saying this lesson taught me to appreciate the love that is in my life.  The love that I have without ever closing my eyes.  My mom, dad, siblings, grandma, aunts and uncles, cousins.  The whole family package has been a wonderful blessing and I am so lucky.  Overall, I think I learned the most out of this lesson because its what truly matters in my heart.  Friends come and go, they aren't going to be there when you need them, you have to comfort yourself and learn ways to make yourself happy.  Not depend on others to make you smile, or make your day.  By loving yourself that is the key to being okay with friends not following through.  I'm so thankful for this lesson.


Patience is another huge lesson I learned.  The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was the fact that I am more broken and more hurt than my mind really believes I am.  No, I cannot move my legs and I was in denial because I thought maybe I could a little.  No I cannot "hop" from the bathroom to my room because once I make it to my room I throw up and am sick for the rest of the day.  Little things like laughing, hurt, but I didn't want to think that it did.

Being patient and letting time to its healing was hard for me.  I'm an outdoorsy adventurous soul, I hate being locked up inside. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER! My favorite season.   Huge sad summer for me.  Being okay with the fact that I will not swim this summer, I will not go to California beaches, I will not go on my favorite trip of all time with my family that I have gone on since I was 8.  Things like this, I had to be okay with not doing because I physically could NOT do.  Impossible is a hard concept for me. So being patient and understanding that next summer I will do those things, just not right now, killed me.

I learned to accept the things that are out of my control.  To deal with the deck I've been handed.  To take every day as it came.  And accept that I am on a life hold right now.  Things that you love can wait.  The beaches aren't going anywhere and I will get to them when I am all better.  Being okay and content with the world and accepting that I am meant, for whatever reason, to not be doing what I am normally doing for a reason.  Trying to find that reason and be okay with it was a lesson in itself.

From being Miss Independent, work, school, work school, social life, school, work.  That endless cycle to just be stopped and become a dependent little 3 year old again was another huge adjustment and lesson too. Being okay with others doing stuff for me, helping me every second, knowing that they are there because they love me, was hugely comforting and amazing really.  Sitting around with absolutely no stress, nothing on the calender to do or go anywhere, not work for anybody, no school work, just me and some puzzle books and the computer to keep me busy.  Basically went from an adult back to being a 3 yr old.  Its pretty crazy how you think you are all grown up and don't need a single person to help you through life, and then something major happens and stops that whole thought process to you do need help from others, you can't do anything for yourself, not even shave your legs, and you aren't grown up anymore.  Weird really.

Okay, Im getting sleepy its almost 2am.  Lets end this ridiculously long blog.

I've learned these things:

Patience
Love
Kindness
Acceptance
Faith/Hope
Mind over Matter
Dependence on Others to help me
Life is short, REALLY short, and very VERY fragile
Little things in life are what really matter
True friends are hard to find
I might want to be a physical therapist now
Don't take the little things for granted, like sleeping the way you want to
Trust in the unseen
If you eat prunes, they will work
Netflix instant watch never ceases to amuse

On My Way Now...

"The higher you soar, the smaller you seem to those who cannot fly."

I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, October 7th, 2010, the external fixater was removed!  After 93 days of wearing the heavy metal hardware, pins and screws, I am free from it forever! I still have 2 pins in my sacrum, inside of me, and the Doctor said those should be out in January some time, yay! Not in April like I had originally been told.  And the best news of all.....I begin to walk again!  I was told I wouldn't be able to until the pins in my sacrum were out, but the Doctor said the pins are strong enough that I can start walking with them in. I am SO happy. And once my reflexes are all back in my right leg, and it is strong once again, I can drive! Oh, happy happy day it was yesterday.

Not only was yesterday great because I got the external fixater off, but also because I got my body back.  It was such an emotional day for me.  When I looked down at my stomach for the first time after surgery, I just cried and cried.  Sitting up for the first time and actually moving without feeling the pins rip and pull against my skin was very overwhelming.  I honestly thought, deep inside, that the pain was never going to end.  The tears just ran down my face and kept coming.  I couldn't believe that I had my body back, with the pain, pins, bars, screws all gone.  Just an achy, internal sort of feeling, kind of sensitive on the wound holes, but NOTHING as bad as I have felt these past 3 months.  All pain, for the most part, was gone...IS gone.  And all I could do was cry because I was so happy.  Seems silly right?  But everyday, every second of everyday, even as I slept, I could always feel the pins.  Breathing, my stomach moving up and down, moving, reaching, stretching....literally e v e r y t h i n g I was aware of the pins and the external fixater at all times.  I bumped into it with my elbows constantly, sending chills and shivers throughout my whole body because it vibrated my bones with every bump.  Moving was a challenge at all times. But I guess I sort of got used to the pull and stretch of my skin riding on the pins because during the end of the 3 months I was feeling like it was becoming a part of me.  I got used to the pain and uncomfortableness of the whole thing it didn't phase me, and I wouldn't complain about it anymore.  Although it was still annoying,  I just sucked it up and tried to live normally with it.  

So when it was finally OFF of me for the first time in so long it felt like, I couldn't believe it was really really gone.  I still can't believe it.  I really thought yesterday was never going to come.  I thought that thing would never come off.  I can't stop looking down at my stomach and touching my body without being cautious of bumping something and feeling a jolt of pain.  Moving doesn't hurt.  Sitting down is painless and easy.  Laying down is quick, I don't have to ease into it and wait for my skin to even out and be flat. I don't have to watch my elbows when I use my walker.  I've lost 4-5 inches width wise, yay!  I can even bend down and touch my toes without feeling some kind of pull.  It is incredible.  I feel normal, I can't get over it. Finally, FINALLY, I am FREE.

As I look back over the last 3 months I really wonder to myself how I did it.  How did time really go by so slowly, yet as I look back, it seems it went by fast?  Crazy that when I hear the music from my favorite show Dexter all I think about it how lonely and alone I felt as I watched all 4 seasons in the Rehab Hospital for 2 weeks.  The music brings back those feelings and it weird because now I watch Dexter in the comfort of my home and I am in a much happier place.  Weird how music does that? But hearing the music, makes me feel like that was such a long time ago, when really it was just 3 months and week ago.  Not THAT long, really.  But it felt so so long, everyday felt long.  Some weeks went by faster than others, and I am thankful for that.

I look back and think about all the awful things I went though and how I felt like it was never going to end.  From getting wound care every morning, in excruciating pain, to cleaning the wounds myself.  Although I hated doing it everyday for 3 months and one day,  I did it because I had to.  It was gross and I hated how everyday they would bleed and scab and then the next day the same thing...again.  I felt like it would never end, that I would be cleaning those pins for the rest of my life.  I am so happy that is over!  No more cleaning bloody, oozy, nasty, inflamed skin everyday!  Its weird because it was in my daily routine and it felt weird not cleaning for the first time today.  Felt NICE actually. :) From getting shots in my stomach every morning that would bruise my stomach skin, to eating prunes and drinking prune juice to help me go the bathroom, (YUCK!), to sleeping on my stomach every night, with a pillow underneath my knees and not being able to move,  to having my mom shave my legs because it hurt too much to reach down, to throwing up every morning from the initial shock of just having to move and use my muscles, to having to unbutton every pair of pants I wore to sit down comfortably and not have the material rub on the pins,  to wearing just underwear all day because nothing else was comfortable,  to having blisters all over my road rash,  to sitting in the car and having to sit on a pillow to absorb the shock of the bumpy road, to holding the seat belt out in front of me at all times because if I let it go it would tighten around my waist and constrict the pins, and so so much more, THANK GOD IT IS ALL OVER.  That is all I can say.

I am on my way now to being fully back to normal.  I can start walking again,  although I haven't yet just because I am scared to put weight on my leg in such a long time.  I have physical therapy again in 2 weeks.  Although I haven't slept on my side or stomach yet,  I am sure I will be in no time.  The pin sites are still too sensitive to turn on my side or put weight on them.  But trust me, as soon as I can put weight on them I will be sleeping the way I want to. Finally!

It just feels so good to have myself back.  I am definitely not the same person inside that I was 4 months ago.  I've grown immensely through all of this I can't even blog about it because I have learned and grown way too much.  Maybe I will attempt one day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that I am not the same person I was in the start of the summer.  I am excited to walk again, drive again, work again, go back to school again, and just, start my life again! I am excited to start my life with the new me, scars and all, to live life even more the fullest than I did before.  I am thankful for everything I have been through, as hard as it was, because it made me stronger and I know I can do anything now.  No matter how hard it is, I will get through it. 

I AM FREE!