Dreams are a fascinating and truly amazing wonder....

I find dreams to be fascinating.

I just woke up from a nap where I was in the ocean and thousands of dolphins came out of nowhere and just, surrounded me. they were splashing, talking (squealing) their little dolphin chatter, playing, making waves. there must’ve been hundreds of them.

So i’m curious, i go on google to look up what dolphins symbolize in your dreams.

Amazing. If this doesn’t sum up how I live my live and what I have been going through, or even what I have been thinking the most about lately, I don’t know what does!

I love dolphins<3

Dolphins   
To see a dolphin in your dream, symbolizes spiritual guidance, intellect, mental attributes and emotional trust. The dream is usually an inspirational one, encouraging you to utilize your mind to its capacity and move upward in life. Alternatively, it suggests that a line of communication has been established between the conscious and unconscious aspects of yourself. Dolphins represent your willingness and ability to explore and navigate through your emotions.


^
this is exactly what has been happening in my real, awake life. <3
-KK

Conflicted

My whole life I have lived by this simple rule: listen, follow, and trust your heart.

 

I’ve never had a problem with this philosophy and it’s always proved to me the best choice in the end.  What it entails however is to be trusting, hopeful, and vulnerable at all times.

I say I build up walls to protect myself, but really, I see how it feels first before I build up any. Every decision I have ever made, has been from my heart.

For the first time, I’m conflicted between following my heart, or listening to my head and being rational. (I think it might have something to do with all the critical thinking and education I have received this semester lol)
I’m questioning my belief system, yet again. But this time, my belief is my own personal compass.
 
Is it really wise for me to follow and trust my heart?  Should I listen to what my intellectual and rational mind is telling me?  Prepare for future disaster or consequences? Or go with what I’ve always gone with which is to feel in the moment and not worry about the future consequences. Just go along everyday, not analyzing, not thinking things over, but just feeling and seeing where that takes me.

Today at work I asked everyone what they choose to listen to more.  The ratio was surprising.  Most said head over heart. Which again, made me question whether I was choosing the smartest option.
So after asking my closest friends and coworkers what they would do in my position, I’ve come to a conclusion:

I will still listen and trust my heart, and when it comes to a conflicted situation, (like the one I am in), I need to trust my instincts more than “feelings.”  So by listening to my heart first, my head second, and then going with my initial instinct on what I feel is right for me.

So…..now after my little one day crisis.  I’ve come to realize my instincts and what I am going to do.
I will still go along with it. Enjoy the moment for what it is.  Enjoy the day for all it is.  And live for the relationship in the present day, no worries about whats going to happen, where it will take me, or what I want out of it.

We’re young, no one really knows what they want.

If I do end up getting hurt, well life is one big lesson right? So I grow. I learn. I become a better person with a better understanding of what I like and want.

I FEEL like this is my best decision.

Heart>Head. Always

-KK

Growing

One question I keep getting asked is, "During these last 3 and a half months, what has this experience taught you? How have you grown?  What things have you learned."  My response is always, SO much! I can't even begin to explain to you.  And I leave it at that to avoid getting really deep and very personal and taking a long time to answer that question.  But I guess I need to blog about it, or "journal" it to get my thoughts cleared out and really answer it for myself on paper, or "print."


Lets start with the first month of the whole thing.  From being traumatized of the actual event and in excruciating pain, feeling alone yet also surrounded by so many people, physical therapy, being completely dependent on others to do things for me, etc.  It is hard, because I want to chronologically write this, but the things I learned all happened in different orders and I can't sort them out correctly so I'm just going to be random here.

Okay, the weird thing about being in the hospital and rehab was that I hardly had time to think.  People were always visiting, and whenever I had a chance to sleep I was out super fast because I was exhausted all the time.  My mind never just wandered in rehab.  So when I came home, and settled down in a routine and actually had time to myself things started coming up.  The actual accident, the whole crash came flashing back along with sleepless nights and tears.  I realized I was suffering from what I've learned about in psychology, Post traumatic stress disorder.  I don't want to get to deep into it, but its real.  I remember everything.  And it is extremely painful and frightening. The sounds, smells, lights flashing, glass flying, my body being tossed.....I never blacked out.  I remember it all.  I wish I didn't.

So dealing with post traumatic stress has been a tough one.  The most important thing I think I have learned about this experience is the power of my mind.  As soon as I was left alone at all in my room, and closed my eyes, I had flashbacks.  I learned to really control my mind.  To sing songs, look at pictures in my phone, anything but actually let my mind shift to the bad thoughts.  I learned that I am in control of my mind.  I can heal myself through positive thoughts.  The whole experience of the accident will always be there, but I can control my mind into never thinking about it.

What is the most hard for me was the transition of being a passenger in cars where ever I needed to go, or went with someone.  Being a passenger, silly as it sounds, was and still is a big challenge.  To drive in a car and not be the one in control gave and still gives me huge anxiety.  Driving is hard because even in a car, where I used to feel safe, in a big truck or little car,  I know for a fact that that feeling is false.  You are in a car and you are not in control no matter what you think.  In any second that car could become out of your control and someone or something can take it away.  Its hard to be paranoid all the time.  I have to trust that the driver I am with is a good driver and is doing all he/she can to get safely to the next destination.  Its hard to trust others driving....its a challenge for me.  I'm always on edge.  Anyways, driving is still a work in progress feeling comfortable again.  I'm getting there slowly though....and I think once I can drive for myself again, and feel comfortable being the driver, it might make things better as well.  We'll see...I'm still on that road to recovery....

Another huge thing I have learned is who is my true friend and who will be there for me at my worst.  Through thick and through thin, who is really going to stand by my side.  With the exception of my family, this has been a huge eye opener. Overall,  the people I thought were going to be there haven't and the people I least expected to be there have.  Once again, the lesson of dealing with being "alone" has challenged me again in my life, and the challenge of being happy alone too.  For days and weeks on end, it was just me.  (Exception of my family.) But the friends, the best friends, the really good friends, that I thought I could count on, yeah they tried, but they are so busy with their lives they still don't have a clue.  Friends at work I thought were close with me, didn't even show up once.  My best friend was absent no communication for 6 weeks.  Things like that, broke my heart because if it were them? I would be there every second I could, and I know that for a fact.  I learned that I need to find friends that are more like me.  It's hard, but I know they are out there.  Family was great, unconditionally always there for me.  I am so grateful for them.  Thank you so much all of you.  Maybe, family is as good as it gets?  I hope I can find a friend that is as good as my family is....

So the lesson from that I think is just dealing with the fact that this is my rough road.  Nobody elses.  I have to get through this, alone. Alone.  Alone is a hard word for me because I love too much.  I want people to love me as much as I love them.  Anyways, before I start another ramble, I'm just saying this lesson taught me to appreciate the love that is in my life.  The love that I have without ever closing my eyes.  My mom, dad, siblings, grandma, aunts and uncles, cousins.  The whole family package has been a wonderful blessing and I am so lucky.  Overall, I think I learned the most out of this lesson because its what truly matters in my heart.  Friends come and go, they aren't going to be there when you need them, you have to comfort yourself and learn ways to make yourself happy.  Not depend on others to make you smile, or make your day.  By loving yourself that is the key to being okay with friends not following through.  I'm so thankful for this lesson.


Patience is another huge lesson I learned.  The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was the fact that I am more broken and more hurt than my mind really believes I am.  No, I cannot move my legs and I was in denial because I thought maybe I could a little.  No I cannot "hop" from the bathroom to my room because once I make it to my room I throw up and am sick for the rest of the day.  Little things like laughing, hurt, but I didn't want to think that it did.

Being patient and letting time to its healing was hard for me.  I'm an outdoorsy adventurous soul, I hate being locked up inside. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER! My favorite season.   Huge sad summer for me.  Being okay with the fact that I will not swim this summer, I will not go to California beaches, I will not go on my favorite trip of all time with my family that I have gone on since I was 8.  Things like this, I had to be okay with not doing because I physically could NOT do.  Impossible is a hard concept for me. So being patient and understanding that next summer I will do those things, just not right now, killed me.

I learned to accept the things that are out of my control.  To deal with the deck I've been handed.  To take every day as it came.  And accept that I am on a life hold right now.  Things that you love can wait.  The beaches aren't going anywhere and I will get to them when I am all better.  Being okay and content with the world and accepting that I am meant, for whatever reason, to not be doing what I am normally doing for a reason.  Trying to find that reason and be okay with it was a lesson in itself.

From being Miss Independent, work, school, work school, social life, school, work.  That endless cycle to just be stopped and become a dependent little 3 year old again was another huge adjustment and lesson too. Being okay with others doing stuff for me, helping me every second, knowing that they are there because they love me, was hugely comforting and amazing really.  Sitting around with absolutely no stress, nothing on the calender to do or go anywhere, not work for anybody, no school work, just me and some puzzle books and the computer to keep me busy.  Basically went from an adult back to being a 3 yr old.  Its pretty crazy how you think you are all grown up and don't need a single person to help you through life, and then something major happens and stops that whole thought process to you do need help from others, you can't do anything for yourself, not even shave your legs, and you aren't grown up anymore.  Weird really.

Okay, Im getting sleepy its almost 2am.  Lets end this ridiculously long blog.

I've learned these things:

Patience
Love
Kindness
Acceptance
Faith/Hope
Mind over Matter
Dependence on Others to help me
Life is short, REALLY short, and very VERY fragile
Little things in life are what really matter
True friends are hard to find
I might want to be a physical therapist now
Don't take the little things for granted, like sleeping the way you want to
Trust in the unseen
If you eat prunes, they will work
Netflix instant watch never ceases to amuse

On My Way Now...

"The higher you soar, the smaller you seem to those who cannot fly."

I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, October 7th, 2010, the external fixater was removed!  After 93 days of wearing the heavy metal hardware, pins and screws, I am free from it forever! I still have 2 pins in my sacrum, inside of me, and the Doctor said those should be out in January some time, yay! Not in April like I had originally been told.  And the best news of all.....I begin to walk again!  I was told I wouldn't be able to until the pins in my sacrum were out, but the Doctor said the pins are strong enough that I can start walking with them in. I am SO happy. And once my reflexes are all back in my right leg, and it is strong once again, I can drive! Oh, happy happy day it was yesterday.

Not only was yesterday great because I got the external fixater off, but also because I got my body back.  It was such an emotional day for me.  When I looked down at my stomach for the first time after surgery, I just cried and cried.  Sitting up for the first time and actually moving without feeling the pins rip and pull against my skin was very overwhelming.  I honestly thought, deep inside, that the pain was never going to end.  The tears just ran down my face and kept coming.  I couldn't believe that I had my body back, with the pain, pins, bars, screws all gone.  Just an achy, internal sort of feeling, kind of sensitive on the wound holes, but NOTHING as bad as I have felt these past 3 months.  All pain, for the most part, was gone...IS gone.  And all I could do was cry because I was so happy.  Seems silly right?  But everyday, every second of everyday, even as I slept, I could always feel the pins.  Breathing, my stomach moving up and down, moving, reaching, stretching....literally e v e r y t h i n g I was aware of the pins and the external fixater at all times.  I bumped into it with my elbows constantly, sending chills and shivers throughout my whole body because it vibrated my bones with every bump.  Moving was a challenge at all times. But I guess I sort of got used to the pull and stretch of my skin riding on the pins because during the end of the 3 months I was feeling like it was becoming a part of me.  I got used to the pain and uncomfortableness of the whole thing it didn't phase me, and I wouldn't complain about it anymore.  Although it was still annoying,  I just sucked it up and tried to live normally with it.  

So when it was finally OFF of me for the first time in so long it felt like, I couldn't believe it was really really gone.  I still can't believe it.  I really thought yesterday was never going to come.  I thought that thing would never come off.  I can't stop looking down at my stomach and touching my body without being cautious of bumping something and feeling a jolt of pain.  Moving doesn't hurt.  Sitting down is painless and easy.  Laying down is quick, I don't have to ease into it and wait for my skin to even out and be flat. I don't have to watch my elbows when I use my walker.  I've lost 4-5 inches width wise, yay!  I can even bend down and touch my toes without feeling some kind of pull.  It is incredible.  I feel normal, I can't get over it. Finally, FINALLY, I am FREE.

As I look back over the last 3 months I really wonder to myself how I did it.  How did time really go by so slowly, yet as I look back, it seems it went by fast?  Crazy that when I hear the music from my favorite show Dexter all I think about it how lonely and alone I felt as I watched all 4 seasons in the Rehab Hospital for 2 weeks.  The music brings back those feelings and it weird because now I watch Dexter in the comfort of my home and I am in a much happier place.  Weird how music does that? But hearing the music, makes me feel like that was such a long time ago, when really it was just 3 months and week ago.  Not THAT long, really.  But it felt so so long, everyday felt long.  Some weeks went by faster than others, and I am thankful for that.

I look back and think about all the awful things I went though and how I felt like it was never going to end.  From getting wound care every morning, in excruciating pain, to cleaning the wounds myself.  Although I hated doing it everyday for 3 months and one day,  I did it because I had to.  It was gross and I hated how everyday they would bleed and scab and then the next day the same thing...again.  I felt like it would never end, that I would be cleaning those pins for the rest of my life.  I am so happy that is over!  No more cleaning bloody, oozy, nasty, inflamed skin everyday!  Its weird because it was in my daily routine and it felt weird not cleaning for the first time today.  Felt NICE actually. :) From getting shots in my stomach every morning that would bruise my stomach skin, to eating prunes and drinking prune juice to help me go the bathroom, (YUCK!), to sleeping on my stomach every night, with a pillow underneath my knees and not being able to move,  to having my mom shave my legs because it hurt too much to reach down, to throwing up every morning from the initial shock of just having to move and use my muscles, to having to unbutton every pair of pants I wore to sit down comfortably and not have the material rub on the pins,  to wearing just underwear all day because nothing else was comfortable,  to having blisters all over my road rash,  to sitting in the car and having to sit on a pillow to absorb the shock of the bumpy road, to holding the seat belt out in front of me at all times because if I let it go it would tighten around my waist and constrict the pins, and so so much more, THANK GOD IT IS ALL OVER.  That is all I can say.

I am on my way now to being fully back to normal.  I can start walking again,  although I haven't yet just because I am scared to put weight on my leg in such a long time.  I have physical therapy again in 2 weeks.  Although I haven't slept on my side or stomach yet,  I am sure I will be in no time.  The pin sites are still too sensitive to turn on my side or put weight on them.  But trust me, as soon as I can put weight on them I will be sleeping the way I want to. Finally!

It just feels so good to have myself back.  I am definitely not the same person inside that I was 4 months ago.  I've grown immensely through all of this I can't even blog about it because I have learned and grown way too much.  Maybe I will attempt one day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that I am not the same person I was in the start of the summer.  I am excited to walk again, drive again, work again, go back to school again, and just, start my life again! I am excited to start my life with the new me, scars and all, to live life even more the fullest than I did before.  I am thankful for everything I have been through, as hard as it was, because it made me stronger and I know I can do anything now.  No matter how hard it is, I will get through it. 

I AM FREE!

My My Morphine Bye Bye

So I quit my morphine pain medicine I believe on Tuesday morning Aug 31.  No big deal.  I slept alot on Tuesday because I was so exhausted from Jill's visit.  Lovely lovely time spent with her, but I was WHOOPED!! So Wednesday came along.  I felt kind of sick, I blamed it, still, on the exhaustion from the fun filled 5 days.  More fun than I've had since my accident, and WAY more physical activity.  Anyways, kind of irritated all day, felt blah, no big deal.  Thursday flew by, but Thursday night started what I now believe to be the morphine withdrawal stage. UGH.
Thursday night/Early Friday morning when I went to bed, I could NOT fall asleep for about 2-3 hours.  Restless, mind tired, but body completely awake. Kept yawning.  Sneezing too. Oh and I havent sneezed since my accident, (I'm pretty sure anyways) because when I sneeze, it hurrrrrts so bad. But I kept sneezing. Weird.  So somehow, I don't remember how I fell asleep. Woke up that Friday morning. Felt fine.  Had a good day.
Friday night/Early Saturday morning. AWFUL.  Put myself to bed around 130 am, but did not fall asleep until 6 or 7am. :( UGH. Restless, muscle spasms, mind so so tired, ( I had even taken a sleeping pill) sneezing, constant yawning, hot, then freezing, fan off, fan on, lay with pillow, no pillow, pillow under my leg, pillow on floor, pick pillow up, try to attempt to sleep on my side (failed miserably), had brillant idea-sleep on the living room couch! Its comfy and I can always fall asleep there (failed three different attempts), back hurts, every time I lay down my tailbone hurts, goosebumps, muscle ache, sweating, blowing nose constantly, shaking legs super fast to release the energy,(try to make myself tired), standing up, sitting down, laying down, up, down, up, down......JUST AWFUL. oh and I kept replaying the movie I watched right before I fell asleep, Doubt, and kept imagining I was a nun. A freaking nun. I was going, literally, CRAZY. It finally occured to me, after restlessness for 4 or 5 hours that this HAS to be some sort of withdrawal from morphine.  I googled it. This is the list:

• Restlessness
• Watery eyes
• Runny nose
• Goose bumps
• Sweating
• Yawning
• Mydriasis
• Muscle twitching
• Kicking movements
• Severe back ache
• Abdominal ache
• Aching legs
• Hot flashes
• Cold flashes
• Insomnia
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Diarrhea
• Head cold symptoms
• Sneezing
• Increased body temperature
• Increased blood pressure
• Increased respiratory rate
• Increased heart rate

So I had, lets see,  14, give or take, symptoms. Wow. Symptoms I didnt even think about until I read this list. Like the sneezing, and yawning. I thought I was just tired, and allergic to something. Weirrrrrd. Oh and they say the most severe of the symptoms happen between 36-72 hrs.  I hope the worst was last night and from here it'll be better. Anyways.  Today is or was Saturday and while I am up and awake I am fine.  Lets just hope, tonight when I fall asleep it'll be somewhat better. We'll see I guess.....But all I have to say, is I can't imagine what crackheads or meth addicts or any other sort of drug addicted people go through.  My little dose of morphine that I took twice a day, that was nothing, I cannot imagine the pain a person goes through on heavy, more powerful drugs.  Thats a scary thought.  And after my little withdrawal experience, I hope to God I never experience anything worse.

This Is What My Life Looks Like....

"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me? Oh things are gonna happen naturally."

 Life happens. This video is a beautiful representation of everyday life all around us. Remember, life is what you make it.

Things happen. Weather happens. Traffic happens. Loss Happens. 

Troubles are ordinary and common, and they're nothing more than snags in what you wish were a perfect conversation. Better yet, troubles ARE perfect as they are blessings packaged in a way to make you want to get inside of them - to have victory over circumstance - to rise like a phoenix from any fire and say I AM ME.

Be grateful for what you get.

Be grateful for what you got.

This, after all, is what your life looks like.

Live Beautifully

The days blur into each other. Not much to report in the life of Kirsten.

No homework or school projects, no concerts or performances coming up, few friend visits to brighten my day-but no big social events to gossip about, no boyfriend or boy related things to think about or look forward to, no interesting stories to tell about what I learned in the world today…I’m simply, living each day as it comes, hoping more often than not, that the day ends quickly so that another can be over and done with. That I can be one more day closer to being well again.

I have little projects I’ve begun. Such as, crocheting. Crocheting might be fun, I just started on Thursday.  I’m thinking about making a blanket. A big blanket.  A big blanket that will take time to finish, that way, I have a project to do everyday for a while at least.  I occasionally watch Ken Burns documentaries on NetFlix.  That makes the time go by real fast.  Except, I’ve found that laying in bed and wasting the day by watching tv, (which I rarely ever ever did before) really brings me down.  Brings me down even more than I already am.  Soooo…..I don’t want to do that anymore obviously.  I want to be productive.  Except, most of my ambitions seem silly since I really can’t fully enjoy any of them or do any of them without some pain or tiredness of some sort.  BUT, I do like crocheting, music, and writing.  So here I am.  Hoping the time goes quickly as I begin a “blogging” site. Whoopee! My first blogging site. Its weird for me, because I usually stick to writing in a journal, or several journals, privately, never public. So this is going to be new for me being so open and honest to anonymous readers.  Seems strange, but here I go….

Anywho, It’s now the third day, of the sixth week, about a month and half since the accident happened.  Can’t believe I’m about half way through….well, sorta. I would be lying if I said this last month has flown by, because really, it hasn’t at all.  The hours and hands on the clock creep by slowly.  It kills me.  Although one week, ONE week, flew by.  But just one.  I guess what kills me the most, is I know what is outside my room, my house.  I know the life that I am missing out on.  I feel it in my heart, and in every broken bone I have.  I HEAR the life outside my house its that close.  What a tease right?  The summer. Summer of 2010. Expected to be phenomenal, as written in one journal entry I wrote in early May.  HAH.  I made up song dedicated just for this special summer of mine:

“Dear Summer of TwoThousand&Ten, please don’t ever ever happen again.”

I had hopes of surfing, sun bathing on the beach, playing in the water:pool or ocean, traveling to Rhode Island to see one of my dearest friends I haven’t seen in far too long, and honestly, just hopes of growing and living life and learning so much in my first year as a twenty year old.  The summer of my twentieth year.  The start of my new decade of life.

BUT we all know how my summer turned out:

Stressed about the struggles of taking a full load of summer school plus working like crazy, PLUS social life and meeting everyone’s needs to be there for them.  Just stressed.  When July 2nd came around, that was going to be the end to the stress and the start of my summer.  To kick off this long awaited summer vacation, I was invited on a late night road trip to buy fireworks out in Moapa Valley, about an hour away from Vegas, for 4th of July.  Little did I know this “kick off” celebration would last a total of twenty minutes or less before something happened that changed everything.

At 2:30am, my five friends and I was struck by a drunk driver.  Long story short, everyone survived, minor injuries, and road abrasions. Oh and a totaled van as well.  But me?  I got the worst of the injuries…I guess mine wouldn’t be called so “minor.”  I broke my pelvis in 3 different areas. Two fixed with surgery with an external fixater, and the other fixed with 2 pins inside my body at my sacrum.  The result:  5 days in the hospital and 2 weeks at the rehab center.  I’m not going to go into the details for times sake, but I basically had to relearn how to use and control on the muscles from my chest down.  All were pretty much destroyed. After two weeks of rehab and more nurse care, I was released to go home! Best day of July for sure.  Although I was released home, not all is fine and dandy. No no no.

Because of the pins in my sacrum and the external fixater, I am not allowed to have an weight on my right leg for 9 months. Meaning, no walking, no driving my car, no school ( because of complications in ride situations and surgeries), and no work.  Therefore, I “hop” around using a walker and occasionally get a ride in my wheelchair.  Imagine a 90 year old, skinny lady, hunched over pushing a walker….yeah thats pretty much what I look like and how fast I move.  My mobility is very low.  The highlight of my week, last week, was I put a 2 pound weight on my ankles and was able to lift up my legs.  I’m so strong I know! Because I’m usually smiling in my pictures (just habit) pictures don’t do justice to how bad it really is and how bad I’ve been hurting.

But since my arrival home, almost a month now, (crazy to think…wow), not much exciting as happened.  Each day is another day of resting and healing for my body. The highlight of my day includes: sunbathing, seeing the friendly faces that often visit me, and most of all, being loved and more importantly, I’ve been reassured, UNCONDITIONALLY, forever, loved by my family, especially my mom.  She is a warrior and has helped me get through everything day by day, bad days by bad days.  I love her so much.  My grandma has come over everyday pretty much for a couple of hours to check on me as well.  Both, so loving and caring.

How am I so blessed?  I cannot begin to tell you or myself even, how I got so lucky I have the family I have.  I knew before, but now I know more than EVER, that my family will always be there no matter what.  Friends come and go, but family truly is a bond unlike any other.  Its remarkable and I am so grateful for my family.  For my dad and his beautiful wife, my step mom, Christie, that stayed with me overnight while I was in the hospital and is constantly checking on me and making sure I am comfortable and happy.  Everyone offers so much love beyond what I deserve. For my east coast relatives that sent care packages over mail so that I could have activities to keep me busy and food treats to make my tummy happy;  I cannot express enough my gratitude.  Like I said before….I am just in awe of how much love, support and help my family continues to give.  I only hope that when I am all better, hopefully a long ways away, when the people I love are hurt or in pain, I can be as much of a help and offer as much love back to them for all that they have done for me.  LOVE YOU ALL<3

As this week begins, I know that it’ll be one more week down. That the days shall pass, good days and bad days.  I will grow more and continue to heal externally and internally.  Although I didn’t get the summer I had hoped and expected, I got so much more.  I got the pain and struggles that come from every major life lesson and major hardships.  Not only did my bones break in numerous areas, but so has my spirit and heart.  I’ve been torn and twisted, tested and challenged, and have had to pick up the pieces of myself and put me back together again.

I have grown more in the last month, mentally, than I ever have before.  My friendships were tested, my family was there when I needed them, (like I always hoped), and I learned, that no matter how many dark shadows are cast upon your life, I have to remember that those shadows only come from a light somewhere else.  That everything DOES happen for reason.  Ever since the crash, I’ve been trying and drilling and just, simply, wrapping my mind around WHY this happened. WHY me? WHY now? What did I do to deserve this?  But honestly…its not about the reason or the why.  Its about the overall accomplishment that comes from within the person.  The way a person reacts and walks away from something.  Its about the person themselves and the power inside that matters.

I believe this happened to me because I am strong enough to get through this.  I am strong enough to walk away from this, enlightened, and not angry at the world.  Not angry I decided to go out that night, not angry at the drunk driver.  Because those are things that are out of my control…everyones control.  I didn’t know this would happen when I left that late night, for all I thought, I was going out on a fun road trip out with awesome friends. NO. The world is in control of you, NOT you, not your actions.  A higher force determines your life.  You have little tips to follow the path it wants for you, sometimes you don’t listen to the voice and sometimes you do.  Whatever you choose, the course of your life is already predetermined.  So, I can’t sit around everyday being angry at things I had no way of controlling.  I have to realize those things were meant to happen, and I have to take what I’ve been given and learn from them. And To learn for myself what they are first, then share my findings with others and hey, I believe its truly going to, and IS in the process of,

c h a n g i n g  m y  l i f e .

Changing my life for the better…without a doubt.  I KNOW, by the time I turn 21 next May, after my final surgery in April, that I will be a completely different person.  It’s already happened and is continuing to happen as we speak.

I’m excited for life.  I’m excited for whats ahead.  The next days, weeks, months, are going to be tough.  But I know I can pull through and I know the reward at the end of all this will be worth all the pain and sorrow I’ve felt.  It’s all too easy to drown in the complexities of sorrow and feel crappy about all that has happened. All that I am missing out on these next 9 months….  But that is no way to live life.  Especially if you are given a sort of, second chance at life.  SO….I can be happy for my experiences and yes, mourn for their passing, but relish in the fact that they happened.  Easy as that, plain and simple, through happy thoughts and hopes for the future. Every long day that passes, every bad and good day, every challenge… little by little, I am healing.  Choosing to embrace all that is good.  Of course I get huge, uncontrollable pangs of sadness. (For loss, as you know, in numerous ways, is such a yucky feeling.) So I feel. And I cry.  Cry for hours, let it all out.  But then I pull myself together, shake it off.  Write it down.  And remind myself of all the good that surrounds me.  And then I continue along my journey of recovery and I continue to grow and learn and become stronger.  And that is precisely the path I am on today, and tomorrow and the next……

Love forever,
Kirsten

You’ve got to, laugh a little, cry a little, until the clouds roll by a little…
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love….