On My Way Now...

"The higher you soar, the smaller you seem to those who cannot fly."

I AM FREE!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, October 7th, 2010, the external fixater was removed!  After 93 days of wearing the heavy metal hardware, pins and screws, I am free from it forever! I still have 2 pins in my sacrum, inside of me, and the Doctor said those should be out in January some time, yay! Not in April like I had originally been told.  And the best news of all.....I begin to walk again!  I was told I wouldn't be able to until the pins in my sacrum were out, but the Doctor said the pins are strong enough that I can start walking with them in. I am SO happy. And once my reflexes are all back in my right leg, and it is strong once again, I can drive! Oh, happy happy day it was yesterday.

Not only was yesterday great because I got the external fixater off, but also because I got my body back.  It was such an emotional day for me.  When I looked down at my stomach for the first time after surgery, I just cried and cried.  Sitting up for the first time and actually moving without feeling the pins rip and pull against my skin was very overwhelming.  I honestly thought, deep inside, that the pain was never going to end.  The tears just ran down my face and kept coming.  I couldn't believe that I had my body back, with the pain, pins, bars, screws all gone.  Just an achy, internal sort of feeling, kind of sensitive on the wound holes, but NOTHING as bad as I have felt these past 3 months.  All pain, for the most part, was gone...IS gone.  And all I could do was cry because I was so happy.  Seems silly right?  But everyday, every second of everyday, even as I slept, I could always feel the pins.  Breathing, my stomach moving up and down, moving, reaching, stretching....literally e v e r y t h i n g I was aware of the pins and the external fixater at all times.  I bumped into it with my elbows constantly, sending chills and shivers throughout my whole body because it vibrated my bones with every bump.  Moving was a challenge at all times. But I guess I sort of got used to the pull and stretch of my skin riding on the pins because during the end of the 3 months I was feeling like it was becoming a part of me.  I got used to the pain and uncomfortableness of the whole thing it didn't phase me, and I wouldn't complain about it anymore.  Although it was still annoying,  I just sucked it up and tried to live normally with it.  

So when it was finally OFF of me for the first time in so long it felt like, I couldn't believe it was really really gone.  I still can't believe it.  I really thought yesterday was never going to come.  I thought that thing would never come off.  I can't stop looking down at my stomach and touching my body without being cautious of bumping something and feeling a jolt of pain.  Moving doesn't hurt.  Sitting down is painless and easy.  Laying down is quick, I don't have to ease into it and wait for my skin to even out and be flat. I don't have to watch my elbows when I use my walker.  I've lost 4-5 inches width wise, yay!  I can even bend down and touch my toes without feeling some kind of pull.  It is incredible.  I feel normal, I can't get over it. Finally, FINALLY, I am FREE.

As I look back over the last 3 months I really wonder to myself how I did it.  How did time really go by so slowly, yet as I look back, it seems it went by fast?  Crazy that when I hear the music from my favorite show Dexter all I think about it how lonely and alone I felt as I watched all 4 seasons in the Rehab Hospital for 2 weeks.  The music brings back those feelings and it weird because now I watch Dexter in the comfort of my home and I am in a much happier place.  Weird how music does that? But hearing the music, makes me feel like that was such a long time ago, when really it was just 3 months and week ago.  Not THAT long, really.  But it felt so so long, everyday felt long.  Some weeks went by faster than others, and I am thankful for that.

I look back and think about all the awful things I went though and how I felt like it was never going to end.  From getting wound care every morning, in excruciating pain, to cleaning the wounds myself.  Although I hated doing it everyday for 3 months and one day,  I did it because I had to.  It was gross and I hated how everyday they would bleed and scab and then the next day the same thing...again.  I felt like it would never end, that I would be cleaning those pins for the rest of my life.  I am so happy that is over!  No more cleaning bloody, oozy, nasty, inflamed skin everyday!  Its weird because it was in my daily routine and it felt weird not cleaning for the first time today.  Felt NICE actually. :) From getting shots in my stomach every morning that would bruise my stomach skin, to eating prunes and drinking prune juice to help me go the bathroom, (YUCK!), to sleeping on my stomach every night, with a pillow underneath my knees and not being able to move,  to having my mom shave my legs because it hurt too much to reach down, to throwing up every morning from the initial shock of just having to move and use my muscles, to having to unbutton every pair of pants I wore to sit down comfortably and not have the material rub on the pins,  to wearing just underwear all day because nothing else was comfortable,  to having blisters all over my road rash,  to sitting in the car and having to sit on a pillow to absorb the shock of the bumpy road, to holding the seat belt out in front of me at all times because if I let it go it would tighten around my waist and constrict the pins, and so so much more, THANK GOD IT IS ALL OVER.  That is all I can say.

I am on my way now to being fully back to normal.  I can start walking again,  although I haven't yet just because I am scared to put weight on my leg in such a long time.  I have physical therapy again in 2 weeks.  Although I haven't slept on my side or stomach yet,  I am sure I will be in no time.  The pin sites are still too sensitive to turn on my side or put weight on them.  But trust me, as soon as I can put weight on them I will be sleeping the way I want to. Finally!

It just feels so good to have myself back.  I am definitely not the same person inside that I was 4 months ago.  I've grown immensely through all of this I can't even blog about it because I have learned and grown way too much.  Maybe I will attempt one day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that I am not the same person I was in the start of the summer.  I am excited to walk again, drive again, work again, go back to school again, and just, start my life again! I am excited to start my life with the new me, scars and all, to live life even more the fullest than I did before.  I am thankful for everything I have been through, as hard as it was, because it made me stronger and I know I can do anything now.  No matter how hard it is, I will get through it. 

I AM FREE!